Every Freaking Tech Job Ad Ever

We’re looking for a superstar COBOL ninja to join our team! Applicants must have at least 40 years experience with COBOL. COBOL.NET experience preferred. You’ll spend every day hacking away on our exciting, disruptive legacy banking product, making it more robust and scalable as well as more exciting and disruptive. We are an exciting, young, hip, radical, groovy team of hackers, rockstars, ninjas, and wizards who love tech, startups, and tech startups, as well as disruption, excitement, and disruptive excitement, particularly in tech! We’re changing the face of banking by using the latest, most exciting technologies to disrupt all the old ideas about storing money and replace them with exciting, disruptive new ones! So come join us and remake the face of banking by making hacky temporary workarounds to problems with our mainframe OS that were fixed thirty years ago by upgrading to Windows 3.1!


  • 40 years COBOL experience.
  • Experience working with decimal computers
  • Teletype experience
  • Experience with mainframes
  • Experience with banking
  • Experience with banking mainframes
  • Experience with exciting, disruptive developments in legacy banking mainframes
  • PhD. in Computer Science, Computer Engineering, or Nucular Engineering
  • 10+ years software experience
  • Must be under 24 years of age
  • Must be able to lift up to five grams
  • Great team player who loves working in teams and can’t do anything alone. Anything.
  • Be a hip, radical, groovy ninja who’s excited about disrupting banking with disruptive legacy mainframe systems

Nice to have:

  • Experience with TCL, MUMPS, or RPG
  • Experience with Visual Foxpro
  • Dataflex experience
  • Juggling three or more balls
  • Knowledge of wilderness survival
  • Willing to spend business trips living in a van down by the river
  • A pulse